Land O Lakes: Eight Things I've Learned About Minnesota

Minnesota has proclaimed itself "The Land of 10,000 Lakes". I've been here for approximately 26 hours and have personally only counted one...and that was primarily because, from the air, it strikingly resembled the Notre Dame angry leprechaun logo. So I can neither confirm, deny or accurately quantify this claim, but hey, let's give them the benefit of the doubt. But remember Minnesota, self applying a nickname is pretty darn cheesy. Just ask Wisconsin.

Eight things I've learned about Minnesota:

1. It's Minneapolis...not Mini-Apolis. It wasn't until the third time I asked if Proper-Apolis was where all these supposed lakes were that the cab driver told me. (annoying)

2. Contrary to popular belief the people are actually very friendly. But know very little about actual lake quantities. (annoying)

3. You are NOT greeted at the airport gate with a lei made of hockey pucks. (annoying)

4. It's situated right in the heart of what is known as The Bible Belt.
* If the bible you read involves eating fried cheese curds until your belt explodes like a pressurized space capsule hatch

5. There's a guy that works in the Minnesota Vikings Team Store at the beautiful new USBank Stadium that can tell you the city each popular American soft drink was born in. Seriously. He sprung this skill on me as soon as the store's entrance door closed behind me.

Purple Man: "Where are you from?"

Me: "Charlotte, North Carolina."

Purple Man: "Pepsi!"

Me: "I beg your pardon?"

Purple Man: "That's where Pepsi was born...blah, blah North Carolina." (he said a city but I was too busy trying to get away to listen)

Me: "Awesome. Well, you have a goo..."

Purple Man: "I know where all soft drinks were born. Go ahead ask me anything. NO, not about lake quantities, about soft drink birthplaces."

Me: "Dammit. Uh, ok...Coke..."

Purple Man: "Atlanta, Georgia...any idiot knows that."

Me: "There's no call to get nast..."

Purple Man: "Just shut up and bring your A-game."

Both of us now annoyed, this battle of wits went on for a good two or three minutes. It was like talking to a purple-emblazoned Rain Man: "Yeah, Coca-Cola was definitely born in Atlanta, definitely Atlanta." I tried to stump this little corn-syrup-encrusted wizard but couldn't get anything by him.

6. The urinals at the Mini-Apolis Airport have courtesy nooks to put your treasured belongings on. I arranged mine very Funk Schway...even stooping down to eye level with my spectacles on to make minute but crucial adjustments. Then I took a whiz and left

7. They like their scrambled eggs dry. Like, not just without extra moisture...we're talking sands of the fucking Mojave Desert dry. Clark Griswold's Christmas turkey (whose voice sounds like a young Chris Rock) was like, "Damn, these are some dry-ass mo-fukkin eggs."

8. They grow grass on the roofs of buildings. Someone said it had something to do with Global Warming. Now when I was a kid, my older brother, who shall remain nameless, was quite the green thumb. He grew some dope on the roof ofour house for the first seven or eight years of my childhood. My guess is the only global warming he had in mind was putting on side four of Physical Graffiti and globally warming his brain into a kick-ass mellow.

Dang. I should have asked that guy about Mello Yello...I bet that would have stumped his ass.

Next time Charlie Babbitt, next time.

.