Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Charlotte Bobcats: Not On Your Fucking Life

I'm a sports fan. I would even go so far as to consider myself a rabid sports fan (less any foaming at the mouth, hydrophobia, etc). When it comes to sports there's not much I can't find interesting or entertaining enough to watch or attend. NOTE: NASCAR is not a sport and if you have an issue with my saying that, put down the bag of pork rinds and write your own damn blog. Anyway, I can even find Major League Baseball entertaining during the final round or two of the playoffs. This is surprising because baseball is typically no more engaging than watching a bowl of goldfish swim around for three and a half hours.

Bottom line: I like sports. I've paid good chunks of hard-earned money to attend sporting events all over the country. The NHL Winter Classic in Philadelphia last year is a prime example. I have season tickets to (as I do my best Rodney Dangerfield collar-pull) Wake Forest football games. I've gone to countless New York Rangers games from Atlanta to Raleigh to DC to NY, collegiate games at Alabama, Clemson, UNC, State, USC...as well as minor-league baseball and hockey games all over the Southeast and as far away as Las Vegas.


Bob Johnson - Arrogant Jerk

Right down I-85 in Charlotte, the place of my birth...there exists an NBA team called the Charlotte Bobcats. If you were unaware of this team's existence, I'm not surprised and I apologize for letting this emaciated, pathetic Bobcat out of the bag. Ignorance is bliss as they say. I'm profoundly sorry that I have brought the knowledge of this piece of shit basketball franchise into your world. You were far better off before. Not only are they the single worst team in NBA history (fact), the derivation of their name is stupid and arrogant. Named for former owner Bob Johnson, they should have just gone with the Charlotte Johnsons...at least that would make me smile. And they could have had a hairy, withered, flaccid wang as their logo.

These lazy, overpaid, worthless millionaires lost a game a couple of nights ago by the score of 114-69. It was 64-24 at halftime. They scored as many points as a typical girls high school team. What the hell. This got me to thinking...what would it actually take for me, a huge sports fan, native of Charlotte, to actually attend a Bobcats game. My immediate, knee-jerk, gut reaction is "not a goddam thing in this world". But after contemplating the possibilities, maybe. Insert Jim Carrey's Dumb and Dumber line here: "So you're telling me there's a chance!"

So here goes, this is my minimum offer to anyone who would like to have me watch a bunch of wealthy, arrogant thugs walk around for an hour and a half (occasionally breaking into a full jog and clanging an orange ball off a metal rim while simultaneously congratulating themselves and thanking god for making them play good):


The only thing worth looking at

1. All expenses paid, round-trip limo ride from Winston-Salem to the arena. Drinks must be provided. I'm not talking Coke and Gatorade here folks, top shelf cocktails only.
2. Pre-game dinner at a steakhouse of my choosing in downtown Charlotte...drinks and tip included.
3. A pre-game visit to the owner's box to meet Michael Jordan. During this meeting I will taunt him into wagering a large sum of money that his team won't lose by at least 30 points.
4. Courtside VIP seats to a "game" featuring either the Los Angeles Lakers or Miami Heat as the Bobcat's "opponent". In close proximity to the Bobcats cheerleaders please.
5. Seat-side service of complimentary snacks, drinks and beer
6. The understanding that I only have to stay until halftime or until the Bobcats are trailing by 30+.

Too much to ask? Probably. Hopefully. But if the unfortunate day might come that I might actually have to witness this colossal waste of money and resources in person, I will make the most of it. Until then, What time is that jai alai match on ESPN 12 tonight?

Sunday, October 21, 2012

What’s The Word? Long Live the Carolina Thunderbirds


For those of you that have been around me for more than five minutes, you know my insatiable passion for all things ice hockey. Given the current NHL lockout (insert expletives here), I thought I would dabble in a bit of local hockey nostalgia.

Coincidentally, it happens to be the 30th anniversary of the Carolina Thunderbirds 1982-1983 Atlantic Coast Hockey League championship season. Who were the Carolina Thunderbirds? If you’ve asked this question, you probably did not live in Winston-Salem from 1981 through 1991. A time when flowing locks of hockey hair (a.k.a the mullet), big fluffy moustaches and blood stains were as much a part of a hockey player’s uniform as were his skates. Want a quick course in minor league hockey from this era? Get your hands on George Roy Hill’s irreverent, vulgar and hilariously realistic 1977 movie, Slapshot. Starring Paul Newman and based on a true story, this movie is generally regarded as one of the best sports movies of all-time. It even has a little known, direct tie in with the Carolina Thunderbirds that I will mention in a bit. Prior to pressing play you’ll want to evacuate all children under the age of 17 from earshot. Then you can spend two hours laughing until you pee yourself - just like Nick Brophy!

The Carolina Thunderbirds were not Winston-Salem’s first pro hockey team. That honor belongs to the Winston-Salem Polar Twins (1973-1977) of the Southern Hockey League. Yep, the Southern Hockey League. Even the name reeks of shoddy ice and a cold, hard punch in face. My father, a recent Canadian immigrant, was an off-ice official for the Twins and I vaguely remember going to games with him. Bundled up in hat and coat, squirming in the red wooden seats of the old Memorial Coliseum, I remember being mesmerized by the whole experience. Of course I was equally excited by the antics of the team’s two polar bear mascots as I was by the action on the ice, but hey I was five.

The Polar Twins played teams with names like the Greensboro Generals, Roanoke Valley Rebels and the (I’m not making this up) Macon (clears throat) Whoopee. The Rebels used to skate out for the pre-game warm-up waving a huge Confederate flag and making the occasional obscene gesture to the seething, jeering crowds of the home team. Cue Skynyrd’s Saturday Night Special, stuff a few mini bottles of Rebel Yell in your pocket and get ready for some southern-fried hockey. This was not an era of family entertainment. It was an era of cold, smoke-filled arenas with short-tempered players and patrons. Being five years old and going from Mr. Rogers Neighborhood to this screaming, board-checking, fist-flying, goal-scoring frenzy was true sensory overload. I remember HATING the visiting teams and their players. The games felt personal…even to a child.

I was seven when the team folded in the winter of 1977. I remember going to the rink with my dad to watch a practice and getting the news. It’s difficult to pinpoint memories from that age, but the drive home that night was something that has always stayed with me. Lying on the back seat watching tall, moonlit trees pass by with a distinct sense of fear and melancholy. My first real taste of  “all good things must come to an end”? Maybe so.

It wasn’t until the late fall of 1981 that hockey made its return. You have to remember that back then, especially in the southeastern United States, hockey wasn’t on television. Unless of course, there was a miracle happening on the weird, Smurf-blue ice in Lake Placid, NY. Do you believe in miracles? YES! Hockey was on it's way back to tobacco country. I fully credit the 1980 USA ice hockey gold medal for generating the interest needed to bring a team back to the Coliseum.

The Winston-Salem Thunderbirds were embarrassingly bad that first season, winning only 14 of 50 regular season games in the recently founded Atlantic Coast Hockey League. But to me the “T-Birds” as they came to be known, were larger than life. That inaugural campaign fueled and reinforced a ravenous passion and devotion in me for not only the Thunderbirds, but for the sport of ice hockey as well.

Despite the fact that three of the seven teams folded before end of the season, the ACHL regrouped, added new teams and soldiered on. Attendance was solid given the poor results on the ice, and the scrappy T-Birds earned another season to win over the Camel City. And win they did.


One notable change that second season was a new name and logo, goodbye Winston-Salem, hello Carolina Thunderbirds. The biggest transformation though was on the ice. The T-Birds dominated, winning an astonishing 51 of 68 regular season games on their way to an undefeated post season and a runaway ACHL Championship.



The names still resonate through my mind like the chiming of a victory bell: Dave Watson, Mike Brisbois, Randy Irving, Peter Dunkley and goalie extraordinaire Yves Dechene, just to name just a few. But my favorite Thunderbird, Michel Lanouette, had the flowing locks of a young Jaromir Jagr and (seemingly) the speed and scoring touch of Alex Ovechkin at his best. Lanouette was electrifying and unstoppable that year, posting 41 goals and 44 assists in 61 games. He notched 14 points in eight playoff games as the T-Birds swept the hated Mohawk Valley Stars four games to none to clinch the championship.

Fans packed the Memorial Coliseum for every game that season. Crowds of 3,500 to 4,000 fans a game was not uncommon. The old arena wasn’t pretty, in fact it looked exactly like an overgrown version of Gomer Pyle’s quonset hut. But gaw-a-haw-lee, what it lacked in style it made up for in atmosphere. Game nights from back then are truly some of the treasured memories of my youth.


Handwritten banners taunting visiting teams and players hung from every corner of the building. Cow bells, horns and the fan led call-and-response chant of “WHAT’S THE WORD? THUNDERBIRDS!” bounced of the concrete floors and echoed through the lofty rafters of that wonderful old building. By the start of the third period, a thick, sweet-smelling fog of cigar smoke laced with the aroma of fresh corn dogs hung about thirty feet above the ice. It shifted and swayed, gently responding to subtle wind currents generated by the fast-moving action below. Most games I attended by myself. I’d beg and plead with my mom to let me do odd jobs around the house so that I could earn the $4.50 I needed to get in to watch my heroes in the red, white and black. She’d drop me off at the box office with explicit instructions: “Be careful and call me right before the third period starts.” We had the timing of our pick-up ritual down to a science.

One game in particular comes to mind where I blatantly disregarded my mother’s “be careful” rule. I would typically buy a seat in the upper regions of the arena and move around to different seats closer to the ice during the game. I preferred to sit at the end where the T-Birds were on offense as I was (and still am) a goal-minded fan. Yes, the fighting could be exciting, but for me the blast of the red goal light, the deafening roar of the crowd and the player’s sticks raised in primal celebration really floated my boat. For some reason at this particular game I decided to plant myself right behind the Erie Golden Blades’ bench. As in most games, a fight broke out on the ice. Evidently this must have been a particularly testy match, as while the fight was raging on the ice, the fans in my vicinity began engaging the Erie players and coaches in a very heated verbal exchange. Being 12 years old and possessing a somewhat non-threatening voice and limited expletive vocabulary, I did what any red-blooded, die hard T-Birds fan would do to get my point across: I spit over the glass.  

I first realized that this was a grave error on my part when the juicy little projectile cleared the glass. I could feel the eyes of the Golden Blades’ bench transfixed on its trajectory like awestruck spectators watching a rocket scream through the stratosphere. Well, Houston, the Eagle has landed…right on the head of Erie head coach Jim Mikol. Uh oh. The image of what happened next is still deeply ingrained in my psyche. In one quick motion Mr. Mikol procured a stick from one of his player’s and proceeded to hoist it high above his head and then smash it down tomahawk-style against the top of the plexi-glass directly over my head. Fury and ferocity like this is typically limited to nature documentaries of charging, psychotic rhinos. Good old-fashioned nostril-flaring, red-faced rage. This man wanted to MURDER me and I deserved it. It turned me from bratty 12 year-old to cowering, whimpering child in an instant. Then, when he began to scale the glass I believe I blacked out for a second. Thankfully, the crowd and in particular two large, blue collar guys who looked ready to beat the living daylights out of any Canadian in a suit, were on my side. Cooler heads prevailed and the coach was corralled by his players and assistants moments before he made it over the glass to beat me to death. I emerged from under the seats with my protectors at my side feeling empowered by a renewed sense of community and victory. That lasted about three seconds as one of my defenders grabbed my arm hard, looked me dead in the face and said, “You’re one lucky kid. Next time you spit on anyone I hope they give you exactly what you deserve. Now get outta here.” He shoved me towards the aisle and I spent the next two days shaking. Lesson learned.

The Thunderbirds thrived for years and had a devoted legion of fans who stuck with the team through good and bad. Between 1983 and 1991 T-Birds fans witnessed two more ACHL championships, the inaugural ECHL Riley Cup Championship, a losing season, and two league changes. But unfortunately, loyal fan support and success on the ice couldn’t save the Thunderbirds. In my opinion, end came when the city demolished the Memorial Coliseum and constructed the current building. No offense to Lawrence Joel, and the “new” coliseum is a top-notch venue, but the soul, spirit and heart of minor league hockey was lost when that building came down. The Thunderbirds were exiled to the LJVM Annex for the 1989 - 1990 season, what was to be their next to last.

I saw the writing on the freshly painted walls when I brought some of my college buddies home for a game shortly after the team took up residence in the Annex. As I walked through the doors I immediately knew it was over. This tiny arena seemed completely devoid of anything hockey. With its gray plastic seats, gigantic pastel art-deco wall hangings behind one of the goals, it was an absolute nightmare. It looked like an ice chalet for children, designed by an old woman with bad taste. I tried so hard to get into the game but it was an exercise in futility. Visions of tall trees whizzing by in the silver moonlight flooded my brain. The team moved to Wheeling, West Virginia the next year and took a part of me with them.

I moved back to Winston a few years later and wholeheartedly supported every failed attempt to bring a hockey team back. The Mammoths, IceHawks, T-Birds, Polar Twins and Cyclones all suffered short, quick deaths…choked out by pastel wall hangings in a lifeless, silent and empty building. I even reached out to the management of the Cyclones before they began their first season in a desperate attempt to give them some tips on what the team needed to do to succeed. To their credit their coach/GM actually called me and had me in for brainstorming session. But they were on a shoestring budget, handcuffed by the management of the Annex and could only do so much. I think I took my daughter to one game that first season and never returned. It hurt me to watch it.

Could hockey come back to Winston-Salem? Maybe, but it would never live up to my memories. And for God’s sake, if it does, please don’t let whoever named the Winston-Salem Dash within 500 feet of the planning sessions.

So now seems like a good time for my little known tidbit about the fantastic Thunderbirds/Slapshot connection. In one memorable scene from the movie, the team’s bus driver is shown bashing the side of the bus with a sledgehammer. When asked why, he simply responds, “I'm making it look mean.” The Thunderbirds used the actual bus from the movie for several seasons, complete with dents. You can’t make this stuff up, folks.

At this point I’ve happily resigned myself to occasionally breaking out my Thunderbirds t-shirt on special occasions and wearing it with pride. So if you see me sporting it sometime say hello and relive your favorite Thunderbirds memory with me if you have one. I’d love to hear it. Oh, and don’t tell my mom about the spitting incident.


Saturday, February 25, 2012

Dear USAirways

Please do not tell me the names of your pilots. Usually, when you know a pilot's name, it means that he has piloted the plane directly into what is now a smoldering crater. Unless of course, you are Sully Sullenberg and you successfully piloted your crippled aircraft on to every morning show in fucking creation.

Maybe you think you are "humanizing" the pilots by telling us their names? I would prefer to not humanize my pilots. The less I know about them the better. In fact, de-humanize them. Give them a mechanized, Robo-Cop voice when they talk over the loudspeaker.

Also, please have the pilots board the plane separately and out of sight. I want to board the plane knowing that my pilots are Gregory Peck and Steve McQueen...rugged and battle-tested with a steely-eyed focus. I do not want to fasten my seatbelt knowing that they are actually Lumpy Rutherford and the lead singer of Barenaked Ladies...flabby and aloof with a droopy-eyed malaise.

Sincerely yours (in an upright and locked position),

Reid Mansell

P.S.
Great smelling rest-room soap!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Milkshake: Marathon Man


A few nights ago I dreamed that Milkshake competed in and won an all-cat marathon. I am not making this up. The best part of the dream was at the very end of the race, each cat had to locate and enter a hidden hole in a wall and then slide down a chute to cross the finish line. Save for a few panicked moments when he couldn't find the entrance (owners were not allowed to assist), I watched calmly from a distance...glowing with pride as the Milkman slid head first to victory.

So what does this tell us? First of all, it tells us that I am now subconsciously manifesting my athletic competitiveness and running obsession into my cat. Secondly, it tells us that there needs to be a cat marathon.

Milky would fucking rule in the cat marathon game. They say pets can take on the characteristic of their owners, right? Speaking as a runner who, no matter the circumstance, will NEVER let anyone of similar age or fitness run faster or farther than me (this mindset nearly ended my life on a cold two mile-long incline during a 5k in Blowing Rock a few years ago), if he takes on even half of my running psychosis he will be unstoppable feline force of fastness.

I outlined for him an 18-week marathon training regimen that I laid out in detail between his 31 naps yesterday. Cue "Going The Distance" from the Rocky soundtrack and get ready for a kick ass training montage.

Monday, January 9, 2012

2012 Bridgestone NHL Winter Classic: Yes, I Paid $45 For A Cheap Scarf, You Wanna Make Something Of It Chief?


OK, so the first thing I noticed on my trek from downtown Philadelphia to Citizens Bank Park was that good smells of the downtown area end at Broad Street train station. Replacing the warm, comforting aroma of breads, smoked meats and coffee was a cold, stark blend of exhaust fumes, stale urine and damp cement. No wonder the Flyers were nicknamed the "Broad Street Bullies" back in the 70's...if I had to smell that on a daily basis I would want to pound someones face in as well.
 
The "sports venue express" was more orange than Snookie's skin tone. Jam-packed with Flyers fans...and when I say packed, I mean shoe-horned in like some Japanese commuter train running a lunch special for fried squid eyes. I was surprisingly calm as I sat there taking it all in...alone, clad in my New York Rangers toboggan. There was a young Flyers fan beside me who kept nervously shooting me sideways glances as we bounced along down the track. Evidently, in his eyes, my allegiance to the Rangers was akin to me being a recently paroled axe murderer with an airborne strain of the Ebola virus. Several times he looked down at himself to make sure that no part of his physical being, or Flyers apparel were actually touching me.

Once we reached the station, it was a short thirty-six mile walk to the stadium. This march was made all the more enjoyable by the sub-freezing wind-chill and non-stop group serenade of "FUCK THE RANGERS". In fact, I would guess that never, in the annals of Rangers history, has that particular phrase been uttered as many times as it was that day.

Once at Citizens Bank Park, it was time to explore the Winter Classic Fan Zone! Twenty seconds later I was fed up. This zone should have been called the Winter Classic Fan Cryogenic Misery Queue Zone. Next it was time to get in line at the merchandise tent. There were actually two lines here...one to get in and a separate one to pay. The pay line was, no joke, at least 200 people deep. Now call me crazy, but my desire to purchase a $45 Winter Classic scarf can only be quantified to about a 35 minute wait in the freezing cold Pennsylvania air. The end of this queue was clearly on schedule for a post-game checkout. Couple these factors with my desire to actually watch the game, and the only logical conclusion was simple: break in line. Total damage after successful line break in front of teenage girls and checkout: $151.00

Inventory:
1 Winter Classic Program: $10.00
1 Winter Classic Ticket Holder and Lanyard: $18.00
1 NY Rangers Winter Classic Scarf: $45.00
1 NY Rangers Winter Classic Thermal Shirt: $44.00
1 NY Rangers Winter Classic T-Shirt: $34.00

The cost of both the thermal t-shirt and scarf could be justified as "necessary for survival" as my core body temperature had reached 34 degrees by this point...and only an hour and a half until face-off! It's amazing the lengths the mind will go to in considering warmth. Actual thought: "The bathrooms are heated, I could just occupy a stall. It would be at least 10 minutes before someone gets suspicious enough to intervene."

To kill time I decided to find my seat and watch some of the pregame festivities. My seat was fantastic and included a really handsome, complimentary Winter Classic seat cushion. Once the game was underway, the cold was a non-issue. The the stadium was electric, and the action on the ice was terrific. The usual Rangers/Flyers intensity was ratcheted up a few notches given the magnitude of the event and the intense build-up that the HBO series 24/7 Rangers Flyers: Road To The Winter Classic provided. If you haven't seen it, I suggest you check it out...especially if you are a fan of the game. Short of the playoffs, this was the most important game of the year. After a scoreless first period the Flyers capitalized on a couple of opportunities early in the 2nd to go up 2-0. For some reason I didn't let myself get down at this point. Maybe I could chalk my optimism up to the fact that the Rangers were playing really well and I knew we would break through. Or perhaps it was the Rangers fan in front of me who (very lovingly) took a picture of his beer. While he was snapping it he said out loud to himself, "God I love this fucking phone." Evidently this guy hadn't had much luck taking pictures of his beers with previous phones. Either way, I knew we were coming back. Mike Rupp cut the lead to 2-1 about a minute later, justifying my optimism. That's the way the second period ended 2-1 Flyers.

Snow began to fall at this point, making the scene even more surreal. But the magic of this moment was lost on the 11 year old Flyers fan across the the aisle who was shouting "FUCK THE RANGERS" in 10 second intervals at the joyous approval of his morbidly obese father. The Rangers tied it up early on in the third on Rupp's second tally, and took the lead shortly after when Brad Richards slammed home a rebound. At that instant, section 113 where I was seated erupted in a jumping, screaming, high-fiving fury. The beer photographer and I, who had said almost nothing to each other up to that point, found ourselves in a three-way hug/circle of strangers, wide-eyed and screaming like drunk fraternity brothers who just found an untapped keg of beer. Citizens Bank Park was comparatively quiet for the remainder of the game...at least until the NHL and NBC tried their best to send the game to overtime by awarding the Flyers with a penalty shot with 19 seconds left. But King Henry (goalie Henrik Lundqvist) made the clutch, game-winning save. My joy was unleashed in a torrent a vile obscenities in the face of my 11 year old tormentor across the aisle. Only kidding, of course. The little pussy ran off before I could get to him.

The Flyers fans were actually really great. The ribbing was genuinely good natured and I only witnessed one confrontation that looked a bit nasty. Aside from losing my wallet, the entire trip was an amazing, once-in-a-lifetime affair. The magnitude and coolness of the whole thing is still sinking in. In particular the game, as it was pretty much sensory overload for over five hours.
Thanks Philly!

The city of Philadelphia did a great job hosting the event from every aspect, except having The Roots perform. I would have rather had a root canal than listen to anymore of that shit in the freezing-ass cold. My stay, the hotel and the people I met far exceeded my expectations.

Whew, that was a long post. God I love this fucking phone!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I Left My Heart, ID, Money, Credit Cards and Proof of Insurance in Philadelphia

My forty second year has started off by providing me with tangible proof that my brain functions are in a steady decline. At this rate I should be at Trembling Hills...slumped over drooling in a pool of my own filth...wearing some type of one piece hospital gown in just a matter of hours. Losing your wallet on the way to the airport in Philadelphia, on the train no less, provides one with a number of dilemmas. Especially if every shred of evidence that you exist and every monetary option at your immediate disposal is contained therein.

I discovered that my wallet had gone AWOL while standing in line at the TSA check point in the Philadelphia airport. I wish I could have seen myself at this moment as I'm sure it was comedy gold for the others in line. The panicked full-body self pat down...the mad rummaging of every crevice and cranny of my two carry on bags...the look of pasty terror on my bewildered face. A look probably reminiscent of the time John Olenick peed himself in the first grade when Sister Mary Margaret refused to let him excuse himself to the restroom during circle time.

If given the choice of peeing myself in line or losing my wallet, I'm not quite sure which would choose. Hopefully no one will ever present me with the opportunity to answer that question.

I can be very cool headed in the clutch, so I quickly gathered myself and assessed the situation. I could either remain on the floor crying or just start running and screaming. Luckily, the TSA doesn't allow either so I explained to them what happened, my brow so furrowed you could have planted a crop of corn in the folds. After being handed off to a very pleasant woman, I was taken to a metal desk and told to sit down. She then presented me with a piece of paper and asked me to write my name, address and phone number.

TSA Lady: "You have four names?", she asked.
Me: "Yes, my mothe..." (she interrupted)
TSA Lady: "So Stuart Reid is your middle name?"
Me: "Well, technically that's two names, but I go..."
TSA Lady: "For our purposes today it's your middle name."

Next came five minutes of white-knuckled question and answer as TSA Lady relayed queries from BIG BROTHER on the other end of the telephone. Whoever was on the other end of that phone line knew way, way, way too much information about me, my personal life, and my work history. I half expected her to hang up and say, "Good news is that we've identified you. Bad news is that we've identified you. How do you feel about horizontal stripes?"

Anyway, I got through security without a full cavity search...more easily actually than I could have imagined. I was genuinely surprised that not once did they ask me if I was proficient on the monkey bars. As we all know, all real terrorists are black-shrouded, bad-ass fucking monkey bar ninjas. Not one question! Oh, and the whole time all of this was going on I was on my phone verifying and re-verifying my identity to Wells Fargo bank and Capital One as I cancelled my check card and credit card.


My next problem arose when I arrived in Greensboro and had to get my car out of the parking garage with no money to pay my parking bill. I had actually made a quick mental note of the surrounding area, considering whether or not I could drive my car over a curb. If I didn't love my car so much I might have given it a shot. But instead I had to call a friend, remind them who I was, and get their credit card number so I could pay my $13.50 bill.

Moral of the story: don't lose your wallet on the train on the way to the airport. My guess is that my driver's license has been sold at least three times and I've committed at least one felony in the greater Philadelphia area. It sucks getting old, but I can still rock the monkey bars.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Philly On Phoot: They Built This City On Beef and Donuts

Ok, so Philadelphia loves classic rock. Today during the course of my three hour walk around the shopping district and surrounding downtown areas, the only music I heard was of the classic rock variety. Methinks Bob Seger has his own church somewhere in this city.

Actual conversation I overheard today on the street (no shit):

Girl: "What's the name of that song about the city?" (girl sings nonsense)
Guy 1: "Fool For The City?"
Guy 2: "No, no, no...I know it..." (humming to himself)
Girl: "It's a girl singing..."
Guy 2: "We Built This City On Rock and Roll"
Girl: "YES!"
Guy 1: (singing) "We built this city. We built this city on rock and roll."

I was truly privileged to be privy to such an exchange. I think I was destined to pass them at that point in the afternoon. It explains why I heard Robin Trower's "Day Of the Eagle", Bad Company's "Shooting Star" and Journey's "Loving, Touching, Squeezing" during lunch today. Now although weaned on classic rock, there are times it makes we want to repeatedly stab screwdrivers into my eardrums. Those times are every second of every day, sans one three minute window in the summer when I want to hear Skynyrd's "Tuesday's Gone".

At least they can be somewhat selective in their classic rockiness...other than for purposes of performing the song with my band Plonk!, I have never heard a Robin Trower song over public airwaves in my life. Thank you Philadelphia...if I hear a Humble Pie song at dinner tonight I will be looking for Allen Funt.

Speaking of lunch...the food here rules. Aside from there being a Dunkin Donuts on every street corner - I will have two jellies please - the smells wafting from every corner are enough to turn you into one of those fat Eagles fans you see yelling at the camera, jowls jiggling, every Sunday. The overall aroma is an amazing mix of coffee, bread, various meats and an undercurrent of smoke flavoring. This mix changes a bit depending on where you are, but it's pretty consistent. My burger today was a work of art...


There was also some big parade going on today...a Philly tradition known as the Mummer's Parade. I found this info online:

Local clubs (usually called "New Years Associations") compete in one of four categories (Comics, Fancies, String Bands, and Fancy Brigades). They prepare elaborate costumes and moveable scenery, which take months to complete. This is done in clubhouses, many of which are located on or near 2nd Street in the Pennsport neighborhood of South Philadelphia, which also serve as social gathering places for members.

It was actually pretty cool as far as parades go I guess. I watched about 20 seconds worth, which is about double the lifetime quotient of parade watching for any normal, functioning human being. Here, I even snapped a picture of it's noisy, parade-y, weirdness:

The game time tomorrow has been moved to 3pm because the brainiacs of NHL Operations couldn't forsee the chance of sunlight at 1pm in the afternoon. No big deal though, more exploring tomorrow and extra time to sleep in as I have found an absinthe bar three blocks away.

Off for some dinner and cocktails. Cue the Bob Seger.

Hockey New Year! Hello Philadelphia, I Defy Your Brown Juice

Well, right now I'm sitting on an USAirways Express flight from Greensboro, NC to Philadelphia, PA. Destination: the 2012 Bridgestone Winter Classic game between the New York Rangers and the Philadelphia Flyers.

If you know anything about me, you know that the Rangers are pretty much my lifelong maddening obsession. I can say for sure that the Broadway Blueshirts made a sizeable contribution to the demise of my second marriage. So even more reason to love them!

My first thoughts today are primarily regarding being a solo Rangers fan in the "City of Brotherly Love". So loving in fact, Philly fans shower opposing players in their love in the form of batteries hurled at their heads. So, if I live to tell, this experience should be amazing.

The trip has been smooth so far. And aside from going full-retard and leaving my phone in the car...I realized this while trying to check in at the gate...all is proceeding as planned. Yes, I made an OJ Simpson sprint back to my car (minus the brutal, double homicide) to get my phone.

The most interesting thing about this flight so far is that the co-pilot must be in training as we keep making these completely random, sweeping, banked turns. There's also a guy on here who has "woman hands". Creepy.

On the train to downtown now...brown mystery liquid on the floor. Eyes forward, breathing out of the mouth only. Evidently the piercing, soul-deafening alarm that was sounding when I exited the train at Suburban Station was not normal. I just overheard that there was a fire in elevator shaft B on Track 12 and that the crullers today are a bit dry.

Just got to my hotel, which is really great. Perfectly situated for sightseeing, shopping, dining and mad panicked dashes from the train station with angry Flyers fans in tow.

Unfortunately, I get to sit in the lobby waiting for a room to be available as I arrived a mere six hours before check in. The manager, who looks like a cross between a short Madonna and slightly more feminine Frank Zappa, has been very accomodating. She only appeared mildly annoyed when I asked her to help me kill some time by performing an acapella medley of Like A Virgin/Let's Make The Water Turn Black. So for now I will watch Bill Clinton bowl on television.