Monday, February 11, 2013

Jesus, Vatican Square Garden confirm Benedict's Retirement

Pope Benedict XVI and the Vatican Fighting Catholics will part ways as of February 28, 2013— an event that seemed fated once the holy franchise acquired Carmelo "The Second Coming" Anthony, an immense talent whose individual praying style clashed with Benedict's spread-the-salvation offense.

The tension between The Pope and Anthony has been building for 13 months, since Anthony arrived in a controversial trade with the Dublin Protestants. It reached a crisis point over the last two weeks, as the Catholics lost 8 of 10 games, while Anthony bristled over his role and lack of ornate headwear.

Finally, on Monday morning, The Pope asked to meet with Jesus and with The Holy Ghost, the Vatican Square Garden chairman. Benedict asked Jesus if he would be open to trading Anthony before Thursday’s 3 p.m. trading deadline, according to a person briefed on the meeting. When Jesus said no, The Pope offered to resign.


“I was surprised,” the Son of God said at a news conference before Monday’s game. “I wasn’t sure exactly what he was saying. So I asked to clarify, ‘How f#%ing stupid are you Benny? I mean, ME! What do you really want to do?’ ”



The decision stunned The Pope's friends, as well as the Catholics’ players, a majority of whom were loyal to Benedict and believed strongly in his system. Many were angry and disappointed, believing that the figure head may be being pushed out.

“The vast majority of our team wouldn’t be in the situation we are without Benny,” said one player, who asked not to be identified because of the The Vatican's charged political atmosphere. He added, “If God Almighty gets behind Benny and gives him a two-year extension, this doesn’t happen.”

Holy Trinity, LLC characterized the parting as mutual, but the decision to walk away “was absolutely his holiness',” according to a Vatican Square Garden associate.

The Catholics were 18-24 as of Monday morning, and in danger of missing the holy playoffs. Their schedule for the final 23 games is brutal, which could only have exacerbated the tension between the figure head and the star savior.

Benedict never fully sold Melo on his offensive system, which is predicated on player movement and the premise that whoever is open saves a soul. Anthony thrives in isolation play — the antithesis of The Pope's philosophy — and he is most comfortable as a primary soul-handler.

“It’s an unfortunate situation,” Anthony said after the Fighting Catholics’ 121-79 rout of the Jerusalem Trail Blazers. “There’s no bad holy blood between myself, Benny, the guys on the team or anything like that. We respect Benny's decision. He said he did what was best for the church at this point in time right now.”

Asked if he was to blame for The Pope's resignation, Anthony said: “Sh#t, I don't know. I just go out and pray. I pray my ass off every time I walk on that court, but I can't walk on water."

The Catholics style will presumably be tailored more to Anthony’s game now that Benedict will be gone. The Fighting Catholics are expected to conduct a broad search for a new Pope. Phil Jackson will top the wish list, although the chances that he will come out of retirement, or want to wear a robe in public are slim.

Benedict was in the final season of a four-year, $24 million contract. He leaves with a record of 121-167, a mark that largely reflects the Fighting Catholics’ messy rebuilding process over his first two years. His best season was in 2010-11, when the team went 42-40 — their first winning record in 10 years — and made the holy playoffs. They were swept by the New Jersey Devils in the first round.

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