Cottage Squeeze: Does My Ass Look Fat In These Tights?

In a recent Facebook status update, I asked the women of the world to please have the courtesy of checking a four-way mirror before venturing out into an innocent, unsuspecting public wearing tights. Doing so would give these women at least a basic frame of reference for how they picture their ass looking in tights vs what it actually looks like.

This status update ignited a firestorm of comments (mostly in agreement) and handful of personal messages. The gist of the personal messages was that I have a warped female body image and that I should die. Allow me to answer the body image accusation. I do not have a warped female body image.

Who wouldn't spread marmalade on Nigella's muffin?

Ok, so if it's proof you desire I offer the stunningly sexy Nigella Lawson as an example. No one can accuse Nigella of skipping a meal, but I find her utterly irresistible. I mean wow, in the words of Briscoe Darling, she "twangs my buds". So don't accuse me of only having my head turned by the svelte, blonde goddess. But (pun intended) I do not want to see Nigella cram every inch of her ample British backside into a pair of Under Armour compression pants. Does she have the right to? Legally, yes...in the interest of public decency, no.

I'm speculating here but I believe the majority of these incidences - women cramming their squishy thighs and lumpy butts into human sausage casings - are due to temporary, weight-loss inspired insanity. Here's what I mean. A woman drops a few lbs by dieting or working out and she feels empowered...rightfully so. I get it.

Yes, go out and buy some jeans that aren't tailored to also serve as an emergency shelter. Yes, buy some sexy new undergarments that you don't confuse in the laundry basket as bed linens. But don't get cocky. Don't let this new sense of empowerment cloud your judgement. Just because compression workout gear, yoga pants, and spandex are readily available for purchase doesn't mean you should take the plunge.

So if skin-tight leggings are in your wardrobe do us all a favor, get yourself a four-way mirror and size things up. There can be no gray area here...it is a hard yes or flabby no. Here are examples of both:

YES

NO

It's pretty simple ladies. Do the right thing. If you're unsure, ask a friend. And order a pair of those boots while you're at it.

Oh, and guys, the same goes for us. No sleeveless shirts or plum smugglers without a proper self evaluation. That's it for now.