Charlotte Bobcats: Not On Your Fucking Life

I'm a sports fan. I would even go so far as to consider myself a rabid sports fan (less any foaming at the mouth, hydrophobia, etc). When it comes to sports there's not much I can't find interesting or entertaining enough to watch or attend. NOTE: NASCAR is not a sport and if you have an issue with my saying that, put down the bag of pork rinds and write your own damn blog. Anyway, I can even find Major League Baseball entertaining during the final round or two of the playoffs. This is surprising because baseball is typically no more engaging than watching a bowl of goldfish swim around for three and a half hours.

Bottom line: I like sports. I've paid good chunks of hard-earned money to attend sporting events all over the country. The NHL Winter Classic in Philadelphia last year is a prime example. I have season tickets to (as I do my best Rodney Dangerfield collar-pull) Wake Forest football games. I've gone to countless New York Rangers games from Atlanta to Raleigh to DC to NY, collegiate games at Alabama, Clemson, UNC, State, USC...as well as minor-league baseball and hockey games all over the Southeast and as far away as Las Vegas.



Bob Johnson - Arrogant Jerk



Right down I-85 in Charlotte, the place of my birth...there exists an NBA team called the Charlotte Bobcats. If you were unaware of this team's existence, I'm not surprised and I apologize for letting this emaciated, pathetic Bobcat out of the bag. Ignorance is bliss as they say. I'm profoundly sorry that I have brought the knowledge of this piece of shit basketball franchise into your world. You were far better off before. Not only are they the single worst team in NBA history (fact), the derivation of their name is stupid and arrogant. Named for former owner Bob Johnson, they should have just gone with the Charlotte Johnsons...at least that would make me smile. And they could have had a hairy, withered, flaccid wang as their logo.

These lazy, overpaid, worthless millionaires lost a game a couple of nights ago by the score of 114-69. It was 64-24 at halftime. They scored as many points as a typical girls high school team. What the hell. This got me to thinking...what would it actually take for me, a huge sports fan, native of Charlotte, to actually attend a Bobcats game. My immediate, knee-jerk, gut reaction is "not a goddam thing in this world". But after contemplating the possibilities, maybe. Insert Jim Carrey's Dumb and Dumber line here: "So you're telling me there's a chance!"

So here goes, this is my minimum offer to anyone who would like to have me watch a bunch of wealthy, arrogant thugs walk around for an hour and a half (occasionally breaking into a full jog and clanging an orange ball off a metal rim while simultaneously congratulating themselves and thanking god for making them play good):



The only thing worth looking at



1. All expenses paid, round-trip limo ride from Winston-Salem to the arena. Drinks must be provided. I'm not talking Coke and Gatorade here folks, top shelf cocktails only.

2. Pre-game dinner at a steakhouse of my choosing in downtown Charlotte...drinks and tip included.

3. A pre-game visit to the owner's box to meet Michael Jordan. During this meeting I will taunt him into wagering a large sum of money that his team won't lose by at least 30 points.

4. Courtside VIP seats to a "game" featuring either the Los Angeles Lakers or Miami Heat as the Bobcat's "opponent". In close proximity to the Bobcats cheerleaders please.
5. Seat-side service of complimentary snacks, drinks and beer
6. The understanding that I only have to stay until halftime or until the Bobcats are trailing by 30+.

Too much to ask? Probably. Hopefully. But if the unfortunate day might come that I might actually have to witness this colossal waste of money and resources in person, I will make the most of it. Until then, What time is that jai alai match on ESPN 12 tonight?