Dear USAirways

Please do not tell me the names of your pilots. Usually, when you know a pilot's name, it means that he has piloted the plane directly into what is now a smoldering crater. Unless of course, you are Sully Sullenberg and you successfully piloted your crippled aircraft on to every morning show in fucking creation.

Maybe you think you are "humanizing" the pilots by telling us their names? I would prefer to not humanize my pilots. The less I know about them the better. In fact, de-humanize them. Give them a mechanized, Robo-Cop voice when they talk over the loudspeaker.

Also, please have the pilots board the plane separately and out of sight. I want to board the plane knowing that my pilots are Gregory Peck and Steve McQueen...rugged and battle-tested with a steely-eyed focus. I do not want to fasten my seatbelt knowing that they are actually Lumpy Rutherford and the lead singer of Barenaked Ladies...flabby and aloof with a droopy-eyed malaise.

Sincerely yours (in an upright and locked position),

Reid Mansell

P.S.
Great smelling rest-room soap!